Sorry for the annual blog post lmao

 I know

I KNOW

I've been horrendous at keeping up with journaling. 

But I suppose you'd know something delicious has happened. 

Where should I start though...in chronological order since the last post these are the updates; 

Motorcycle accident 

Ezio

Japan

Job Change

Surprise

So. Motorcycle accident 

15 May Hanis and I got wiped out by some bitchass Merc.

 

I survived but I had a miscarriage after, It was only a month long but still hurt after trying.

EZIO. 

This is Ezio. 

We got him at 8 months old :3 

He's got a dinky little tail and a whole lot of personality

 

Don't be fooled, him and Sara do not get along, but im hoping when he stops pouncing on her she'll be fine. He's so fat and he's so big, he doesn't realise that he's hurting Sara, bless. 

We've had him since 10 june last year, so he's been with us for a year, and he's about to turn 2 in October, while Sara just turned 6 :') 

Thats a big addition to the family. 

Next Update!

JAPAN

In December 2024 we went to Japan!! Finally!!

We did a big trip in 2 weeks, we landed in Narita and went

Tokyo > Nagoya > Kyoto > Osaka 

and flew back to SG from Osaka. 

We shinkansened everywhere and there was drama there too. 

I promise I'll do better with journaling travels bc...we're going again this dec LMAO

Initially, we wanted to go to Hokkaido but bc i bought the tickets (out of spite, at midnight) i booked it for Haneda to and fro. But!!!

I convinced Mama and Papa to come too hehehhe

so YAY family trip after 2 years without one. 

Im gonna look for my monopod to bring as a giant fucking selfie stick

right, next update

JOB CHANGE

So, I'm not actually sure if I was ever explicit about what I did, but I quit Invictus in January, so I completed my final month in February and started IFS during the month of Ramadan. Celebrated the 6th year anniversary watching WICKED, which Maalik loved. (tangent lol) 

But ya, so I started IFS in March, and then in May they were like jk even though you're doing a great job, we can't verify your degree. 

And I was like wtf lol my degrees never been a problem before?? and they just fired me immediate effectively. Funnt enough, the same thing happened to Raquels husband. 

OH speaking of which- Raquel is someone i met at Sharani's bday party bc she was her supervisor in SJII before she left but also she used to be from invictus. Also from invicuts was a woman called Seri. she knows maalik. 

The reason i say this is bc I agreed to help her move out of her house to run from her abusive husband who caught us in the act and tried to attack me LMAO

Anyway, I'm a personal assistant again for someone in pru, again! 

Its much less friendly and much more quiet. Not as fun but its only in Paya so. Beggars cant be choosers. 

SURPRISE

I'm 6 weeks pregnant :')

Look whats happened

 Its been 2 years since I thought to write about life, and jesus have they been a ride. 

We applied for and got a resale flat. We waited about 3-4 months for the renovations and moved in on Christmas eve. We had some hiccups along the way but none of it was between us. 

Lately its been us against the problem, which is how its meant to be in a marriage. 

Ilyas has his own room and Sara is liking the size of the house. It's humble and just enough, just like us. My little family.

I have pangs of missing Wira, and I tried to fill that by adopting 2 common cats but unfortunately, both Maalik & Ilyas got wheezy so we had to give them back. (not like that brought up any buried feelings about Megat & Dewi lmao) Sara also had a tough time adapting so I suppose it was all for the better. 

They were such lap cats though, so that made me a little sad.

I started working in Invictus in July 2023, and Maalik left for IFS in October- right around when I got a promotion for the marketing executive role. 

This past Monday, Charlotte said that a position for Head of Marketing Coordinator has opened up to existing staff and I thought I'd throw my name in the hat. If all impresses, I'll have a panel interview early next week with allegedly all 3 principals & Pow Chew (And Mr Gan but who knows (SHH) )

I'm not sure where life is headed, but I'm waiting to be content- truly and genuinely content. I know I have to pay my dues, and god damn am I paying, but I'm also being really patient, and I hope it pays off. 

Here's to the next time I feel the urge to write- see ya

31 Aug, 9.30pm

This had been building up for the past 3 or 4 weeks

It started with a smile on his phone and he would be so dismissive about it

The jumps when you're holding his phone and the snatching he doesnt quite realise is happening, a lot.

The first time you muster up the courage to tell him, he admits he's gambled our money away in the stockmarket. You sigh and feel relieved, thats why hes so secretive, he guilty but he was trying to make money for us.

He says he will get better with his phone, but he doesnt.

Weeks past and life gets hectic, you brush off that nagging feeling and you just get angry. He's not looking at you as often, we're not fucking like we used to.

That nagging feeling is trying to get you to talk to him about it, but you try and supress it, so it finds other ways to get out. You haven't had this feeling since the last one brought back 3 prostitutes. 

You stay strong and resist invading his privacy, instead you look through public domain. His instagram followings, both accounts.

You see women who dont look like you, at all. Everything you're not. You're honest when he asks if somethings wrong, sharing how you feel and he leaps to being hurt. He asks how you could possibly think that. Its been 3 years how do you not trust him. He doesn't go through you're followers. How he spends "every waking moment" with you. (Does he though? When you're with him, he's on the phone.) He says "i'm unfollowing her bc i know that it makes you happy, and thats all i ever want" 

So now, you feel guilty. You feel crazy. You feel fucking shit because how have you become this person to the one person you love and trust. Whats different from 5 years ago when you met? 

You relent and apologise, he says he'll be more open with his phone, again. Within 24 hours he lets you hold it, and watches a couple of videos with you. You feel better, but the nagging voice is still there. You planned an apology for the night but it works out differently. 

After a shower, you come out, he's asleep on the bed with his phone in his grasp.

What an unnatural way to sleep.

You let him sleep though, because you know how tired he's been. 

But after about an hour, the voice is screaming at you, telling you that he's done things with you in the same room, with you saying "i love you" stupidly while taking a bath, there he is, looking at other women. Women who look nothing like you.

You take all your courage, and ask him, prepared for the worst, but praying for the best. He denies again, and asks where this has come from. What evidence do you have to be upset, and you have none. So you think, to put the voice to rest, "can i look through your phone" 

His entire body tenses, his eyes dilate, but not in the same way when he looks at you. You've seen it before. The fight or flight wondering which path to take.

"You can look through my phone, but if you do that, the trust is broken." He says.

You stop to wonder, is this really you're fault? Are you going to take the first brick out that leads to the fall of your entire foundation? Are you allowing past trauma to sabotage this perfect marriage you have? After all, he doesn't lie.

But then you catch yourself. If he were to ask you the same, there would be no hesitation. There is nothing to hide, and if looking through my phone calms his nerves, why wouldn't i?? Just yesterday, did he not say he only wants me to be happy?

He's frustrated. So are you. You know him, and you know that hes hiding something. There it is again; I spend every waking moment with you.

You snap. 

"No you don't, between you ending school and picking me up you have 3 hours of doing whatever you'd like, and even then im not accusing you of fucking someone, im just asking if youve been talking to someone. Don't you get it, im afraid you're falling out of love with me."

You can see his eyes, like a deer in the headlights, caught off guard. You can see him wondering if he should continue this charade or if he should come clean, and thank god, he does.

After the blow up, you're sat on the bed, mixing up a cocktail of betrayal, confusion, anger and sadness, trying to wonder why this is hurting so much, and then you pin point it.

Not just that he made you feel crazy, he hasn't apologised or that none of the ladies look like you. 

It's that he lied. 

After 5 years of knowing him and constantly hearing "you know me, i dont lie'

And he lies to your face, multiple times. Putting you to shame, going around to other women for attention, because you're clesrly not enough.

He says he will be better, again. 

This time you want to believe him, but the last time he said that, he was lying. So..now what?

1st July 2021

 Oh yeah

A whole year and a half has gone by since i last wrote here.

I'm not sorry for it, i've been busy with living situations, migrating, being sad, or more likely taking care of baby I. 

He's just turned 1 this past June, and I'm currently in my first official day of Stay Home Notice (SHN) in Singapore. 

I know, the last update i was also in Singapore, but for the past 6 months, I've been in the UK with Maalik and his parents. 

Its the 3rd day without him, i flew at 12pm on the 29th from Manchester, landed at 2pm in Frankfurt...and then i had a 7 hour layover with a 1 year old, )alone) and finally we flew off at 10pm for Singapore.

Alhamdulillah Ilyas was easy during the flight, he just slept most of the time. The beginning of the flight was awful, and im too lazy to type it all out but its a good thing i did!: 

But yeah, spending 6 months together with Maalik and then suddenly..not having him is hard. 

It really is.

I've been trying to process my feelings by writing as an outlet to get it out. Ignore the dates bc i had no data when i was writing it, so it all sent at 1 go hahah

I've been getting tough, but luckily ilyas' sleep schedule is pretty much back to normal now. Mine as well is more or less back to normal, just slept late at 2.40am but he woke up at 8am like normal, which is nice, and he's having his afternoon nap from 11-1.

I may have a nap too, just sleep the days away.

Fuck the trend

I know why i havent been writing as often as i shouldve been.

The titles have been really daunting to think of, thinking of malay english spanish english titles just made me like ''ugh''

cause as much as this is content, im not a content creator officially, i dont need things to be "on brand''

Anyway, im busy packing and its the last two days since Maalik wanted to move one day (1 DAY) after our anniversary, means i have to pack everything up by then so we can celebrate the anniversary without worry. The air con guys came today and serviced 3 aircons in 20 mins but the living room one leaked so they came back lol

Mattress: ✔
Cleaners: ✔
Air Con: ✔
Starhub: ✔
Movers: ✔
SP Services: ✔

All settled 3 days before i move lmfao

2020

so, I thought I was gonna write this in January...

Its March.

So that's a fail.

But the good news is that im now 25 weeks pregnant.

And we've found out the gender of baby bear

It's a boy!

so i'm just 6 months now.

Lots has happened over the past 3 months so let me try and summarize this drama best i can.

So, the first thing of note after New York was 23rd Jan; 

I vomited and went to hosp. Didnt find anything wrong, heard the babys heartbeat so everything was ok.

26 Jan
CNY at Nyais! I was showing a little bump through my cheongsam hehe

31 Jan
Found out the gender of little baby and went for lunch with mama, and then bought a couple of dresses. Then met papa for dessert.

2 Feb 
I attended a wedding w mama and then when i got home, i decided to try making a whole roast chicken dinner for Maalik and I. My brother was helping me carry stuff from Simei, so he came over for awhile, played with the cats then helped me de-leg and de-head the chicken.

Roast Chicken, Mashed potatos w gravy, grilled corn and yorkshire puddings.

4 Feb
Went to CNY at Wendys house :D

5 Feb
Went to JB with mama, papa, and Maalik. We bought lots of cat stuff and spent like $345SGD for so much + a huge cat condo that was 700RM that we managed to bargain down to 500RM

9 Feb
Cik Ana, Keyann and Jiyann came over to play with the cats, and then at night Maalik had the guys over for Magic

15 Feb
sigh.
IT BEGINS.
Lionel asked if we wanted to terminate our lease earlier and Maalik and I had been talking about saving more money and we thought this might be a blessing. We could move somewhere cheaper than 2,500. So we said yes, we'd move before June.

Here are screenshots because i cannot be bothered to type the whole story out. (spans over 15th Feb - 5th March)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 feb
Went for a night of food and drinks with Maaliks work friends/ppl at the esplanade. Met Jarrod, Jack, Yana & Jana for the first time. Was nice to dress up.

And so, after the 16th, chaos ensued. 

House viewings are in Purple.
You can see that we had viewings practically everyday and it was so tiring. On days we didn't have viewings i was going out to find boxes to start packing stuff.

So on the 29th we signed for our new place, it's not as big as the place we have now but its so much nicer. 

It's in a condo that's just down the road from where we are now and it's got a side gate to the mall so i can go shopping even when its raining without stressing about umbrellas and baby.

We're moving in on the 17th of March (a day after our anniversary)

so i made a list on the 3rd on the stuff that i have left to pack

Im quite proud of the amount of stuff i've packed within a week

but then i've also been cleaning since the 17th of Feb since we decided to move then already.

Ada dua tambahan ke keluargaku

So, that little update that i was supposed to give on the 16th of July didnt come through because i was bombarded with the work that comes with a new baby kitten!!

Yes! We got Sara on the 16th of July, and she was born on my birthday!! My father called somewhere around the 1st of July to tell me about her and i was adamant on taking her.

Also, on the 12th of September i took a pregnancy test, and it was faint positive:

So we bought a load from jb on the 15th, and i took one on the morning of the 16th.

Positive.

I spent all day that day taking more and all were positive. (and the day after that)

The top left one is the one i made my husband take because i was getting paranoid if all of them just reacted to a yes when it comes in contact with pee

The bottom left row are all clear positives

The test with the pink cap was a failed test cause i didnt pee on it long enough

And the bottom two on the right are faint positives.

We went to the polyclinic on the 18th and we got a referral for KKH. (Also got Folic Acid, and Vitamin B and medicine for morning sickness, that thank goodness i havent had (yet).)

Then on the 31st of October, we had our appointment which included a scan, and we found out that our baby is 7 weeks old. c:

I was so worried that the ultrasound lady was like "yeah that lil thing is the baby" and she was just saying that cause she couldnt find it :')

BUT ANYWAY.

TILL THE NEXT UPDATE.