It started with a smile on his phone and he would be so dismissive about it
The jumps when you're holding his phone and the snatching he doesnt quite realise is happening, a lot.
The first time you muster up the courage to tell him, he admits he's gambled our money away in the stockmarket. You sigh and feel relieved, thats why hes so secretive, he guilty but he was trying to make money for us.
He says he will get better with his phone, but he doesnt.
Weeks past and life gets hectic, you brush off that nagging feeling and you just get angry. He's not looking at you as often, we're not fucking like we used to.
That nagging feeling is trying to get you to talk to him about it, but you try and supress it, so it finds other ways to get out. You haven't had this feeling since the last one brought back 3 prostitutes.
You stay strong and resist invading his privacy, instead you look through public domain. His instagram followings, both accounts.
You see women who dont look like you, at all. Everything you're not. You're honest when he asks if somethings wrong, sharing how you feel and he leaps to being hurt. He asks how you could possibly think that. Its been 3 years how do you not trust him. He doesn't go through you're followers. How he spends "every waking moment" with you. (Does he though? When you're with him, he's on the phone.) He says "i'm unfollowing her bc i know that it makes you happy, and thats all i ever want"
So now, you feel guilty. You feel crazy. You feel fucking shit because how have you become this person to the one person you love and trust. Whats different from 5 years ago when you met?
You relent and apologise, he says he'll be more open with his phone, again. Within 24 hours he lets you hold it, and watches a couple of videos with you. You feel better, but the nagging voice is still there. You planned an apology for the night but it works out differently.
After a shower, you come out, he's asleep on the bed with his phone in his grasp.
What an unnatural way to sleep.
You let him sleep though, because you know how tired he's been.
But after about an hour, the voice is screaming at you, telling you that he's done things with you in the same room, with you saying "i love you" stupidly while taking a bath, there he is, looking at other women. Women who look nothing like you.
You take all your courage, and ask him, prepared for the worst, but praying for the best. He denies again, and asks where this has come from. What evidence do you have to be upset, and you have none. So you think, to put the voice to rest, "can i look through your phone"
His entire body tenses, his eyes dilate, but not in the same way when he looks at you. You've seen it before. The fight or flight wondering which path to take.
"You can look through my phone, but if you do that, the trust is broken." He says.
You stop to wonder, is this really you're fault? Are you going to take the first brick out that leads to the fall of your entire foundation? Are you allowing past trauma to sabotage this perfect marriage you have? After all, he doesn't lie.
But then you catch yourself. If he were to ask you the same, there would be no hesitation. There is nothing to hide, and if looking through my phone calms his nerves, why wouldn't i?? Just yesterday, did he not say he only wants me to be happy?
He's frustrated. So are you. You know him, and you know that hes hiding something. There it is again; I spend every waking moment with you.
You snap.
"No you don't, between you ending school and picking me up you have 3 hours of doing whatever you'd like, and even then im not accusing you of fucking someone, im just asking if youve been talking to someone. Don't you get it, im afraid you're falling out of love with me."
You can see his eyes, like a deer in the headlights, caught off guard. You can see him wondering if he should continue this charade or if he should come clean, and thank god, he does.
After the blow up, you're sat on the bed, mixing up a cocktail of betrayal, confusion, anger and sadness, trying to wonder why this is hurting so much, and then you pin point it.
Not just that he made you feel crazy, he hasn't apologised or that none of the ladies look like you.
It's that he lied.
After 5 years of knowing him and constantly hearing "you know me, i dont lie'
And he lies to your face, multiple times. Putting you to shame, going around to other women for attention, because you're clesrly not enough.
He says he will be better, again.
This time you want to believe him, but the last time he said that, he was lying. So..now what?
